One Size Doesn’t Fit All: When Is It “Too Early” To Move In With Your Partner?
When people find out I live with my boyfriend of 11 months, I typically receive one of two reactions. First, negative:
That’s way too early. Do you think that’s a good idea? Your parents let you do that?
Or sometimes, positive:
That must be so much fun! I’m so happy for you two. Can I see pictures of the flat?
Unfortunately, the former is most common. We already live together and have for months, so the half-formed opinion of someone with no knowledge of our relationship doesn’t seem to have much point. Do they expect me to immediately change my mind?
Oh yes, you’re right! Why didn’t I think of that? I’m going to head home now and pack my bags!
The most frustrating thing is being treated like we both didn’t think through the situation. Of course, I thought about it! I adore my boyfriend, and want to spend my life with him, so why would I make a choice that I believe would put our relationship in jeopardy? As I mentioned, the shock that my parents would let me do such a thing baffles me. I’m an adult who can make my own decisions, and funnily enough, it was my mum who suggested it to me in the first place. I was on the phone with her in April, when my boyfriend and I had only been together about 4 months, and I mentioned something about wishing I could live with him. She responded simply: Well, why don’t you? This struck me because I have always looked up to my mom, and her relationship with my dad. They started dating in university, moved in together after, yes, 4 months and got engaged 6 months later. They’ve been married for almost 23 years, and I am grateful to be their daughter every day.
However, there is no ‘one size fits all’ path to success in relationships. Couples get married after a few months and stay together forever, others date for years and years and end up separating. All relationships are different, and only you truly know what is best for yours. If you do find yourself curious about what others think and decide to search online for tips on moving in together, you see the repetition of one phrase in some form.
Moving in together too early will ruin your relationship.
My question is, why? If you believe moving in together will ‘kill the spark’ so to speak, it might be worth considering if there are some underlying issues you might not be addressing. I believe that moving in together doesn’t necessarily create new issues but can bring existing ones to the surface. If your partner is less tidy than you for example, that can hide under the surface before living together. Once you find yourself in an environment that is messier than you might prefer, it can become an issue that needs to be addressed. When your lifestyles align, however, you get to embrace the small moments you didn’t have before living together. What may have once been a solo endeavour becomes a sort of mini-date. Some of my favourite times with my boyfriend are the simplest. Helping each other pick out our outfits in the mornings, conversations on the tube to uni, and a quick kiss before heading off to class. Every day starts special.
This brings me to my next point… another possible benefit is that it can do wonders in revealing you and your partner’s willingness to put work into the relationship. Say you calmly bring up how you would like to keep the flat cleaner. Well, if your partner gets defensive and refuses to fix the issue, maybe it’s not the relationship for you. If they accept the feedback and work to make a change, that shows the type of person they are. Moving in together does not have to cause a breakup but can instead accelerate the inevitable for that relationship.
There is also the idea that you must know your partner “well enough” before you move in with them. But what does that mean? I believe only by living with someone do you begin to know them “well” in this way.
When you share a space and life with someone, your bond is special. I’ve been living with my boyfriend for about four months, and we feel closer than ever. It adds another layer of commitment to our relationship, and I feel so connected and secure. We’ve made memories that I will cherish forever. Our first night in the flat when all we had was a mattress and fairy lights. Going all around London to pick up free furniture we found on Facebook Marketplace and now, decorating for Christmas. Our flat is the physical manifestation of our relationship. It’s my safe place that I can’t wait to come home to every day. With photobooth pictures decorating the walls, Jellycats on the couch, and our favourite books on the shelves, it’s just us. And no, the spark hasn’t left. Trust me, it’s alive and well. Before we moved in together, I dreaded cleaning. I get butterflies while we do the dishes and make the bed. I find romance in the mundane now, and we tend carefully to the place that holds our love.
I want to also acknowledge that some concerns around moving in together are, of course, valid, and it’s important to have an open discussion with your partner before moving forward. But I have also found that people can be quick to offer their unwarranted opinions on anything and everything in the lives and relationships of others. If someone has decided what they believe works for them, what is the value of critiquing that choice? As someone who overthinks constantly, moving in with my boyfriend felt completely right. It is one of the only decisions in my life that I have never doubted for one second. It’s important to remember that someone else’s opinion is not a prediction of your future. It is often a reflection of them rather than you.
I think arbitrary relationship timelines are so common because we want to be given the exact steps that guarantee our relationship will work out. Relationships and the milestones that accompany them can be so scary because we’re throwing ourselves into the unknown. We don’t know if moving in together will work out, or if the engagement will stick, but we do it anyway because the outcome we long for is worth the risk of heartbreak. So, take the risk. Ask your crush out on that date you’ve been dreaming of. Let your friends convince you to send that risky text you’ve been planning. Move in with your soulmate! We never truly know what the future holds, but the possibility of rejection is better than always wondering how things may have turned out if you had put your heart on the line. You never know until you try.
Edited by Rosa Levenson
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